Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
