I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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