the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
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