She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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