I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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