I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Randomize
