i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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