I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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