Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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