I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
My penis needs a shock collar
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
