oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
