Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
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This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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