Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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