OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
