why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
We need to get me chipped asap
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
