Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
