Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
