remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize