I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
