I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Randomize
