come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
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ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
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I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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