I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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