we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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