It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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