New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
