you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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