A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
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