the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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