What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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