Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
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