Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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