Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
