So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
