I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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