I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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