you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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