Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
