He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Everyone says I win the strip club
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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