my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
You ever have a fart follow you around?
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize
