Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Randomize
