when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
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