boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
