I cannot find my penis.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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