not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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