Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
