There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
