I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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