happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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