She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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