We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
