I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Randomize
