Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
