Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
