Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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