Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Barsexuality is the new black.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
