I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
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