I got chris browned last night
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
i need some magic done to my vagina
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
